You Can’t Plan Deep Connection

A Vote for Serendipity

The cicadas are singing, the temperature is steady at 30C/85F, and summer rituals in Provence are underway. As family and friends visit, I’ve adopted a new rhythm: long holiday meals–where you talk for hours or listen to music, extended excursions in nature filled with endless awe, and an appreciation for random moments that generate intense connection. 

Have you ever brought people together and envisioned a certain feeling that the gathering might have? For example, a sense of togetherness, harmony, and camaraderie.

When people visit, the overachiever in me often resurfaces as I organize our plans for the week. I think about what I perceive to be their needs and how we might best spend our time. I even plan for ‘downtime.’ In my effort to be intentional, perhaps I am too intentional (or even controlling).

If you’re building a community, leading a team, planning events, or family holidays, all of this likely sounds familiar.

We’re conditioned to create an agenda or offering that aligns with our audience and the outcomes we want, including the feeling of connection. Like me, sometimes we’re being intentional; other times we’re controlling.

But what about spontaneity? And happenstance? 

What if unplanned moments are hotbeds of genuine connection that we’re missing?

Last night, my husband, sister-in-law, and I unexpectedly ended up at the pre-Bastille Day celebrations in our village with my neighbors from Paris. As we had no plans to attend, we also had no idea what to expect at the ‘vernissage’ or opening of the celebrations.

Nightfall was just moving into place as we walked towards the town hall. As we approached, we saw people of all ages carrying paper lanterns lit by candles inside. We stood in line to receive our lanterns and gathered with the crowd.

Soon, a signal was given, and we found ourselves in a procession through the oldest parts of the village. Voices hushed, children held their lanterns out in front, using the wire handle to steady their hands, as grown-ups from across the village gently reminded each to walk slowly and with care. 

Random acts of kindness were happening all around us. When a small child dropped their lantern, and their candle went out, my sister-in-law turned and gave the child her lit lantern, taking him for part of the walk.  When we paused for a turn in the path, an older woman came up to my sister-in-law and re-lit the candle. 

Then, another signal was given, and soon, everyone carrying a lantern was invited to gather closer for a photo in front of the old castle doors. People quickly handed their phones to the nearest person as they joined the group so that photos could be taken. As the group formed, older, taller children shuffled younger, smaller ones to the front so they would be seen in the photo.

A few minutes later, we continued the walk until we reached the center of the village, where the band was beginning to play, and everyone dispersed to dance.

The entire experience lasted not even twenty minutes, but it was as though time were suspended. At that moment, children, the elderly, locals, and visitors alike became one. 

Last night offered the unexpected: intimacy among friends and strangers in a week of wonderful, mostly planned dinners and outings. 

In a world of so much volatility, we shared an intense emotion for an extended moment: peace, unplanned.

A vote for serendipity.

How are you bringing people together? Are you building a community or leading a team, for example?

In addition to your business objectives, what do you want that connection to ‘feel’ like? How would you like each person to feel while engaging with others?

How might you set the scene and leave room for serendipity and ‘unplanned’ connection?

What simple magic (like the lanterns) might you use to encourage these moments?

What advice would you give to others?

Subscribe to get regular updates to support you in raising the bar on your dreams, life, or work to achieve more sustainable, meaningful outcomes. Paid subscribers will receive chapters of my book as I write and invitations to online conversations and events. 

Thanks for being here.