When and how did you learn to define success?

The Roots of Achievement

This personal post is part of a chapter of my forthcoming book; it’s included in a section called The Psychology of Achievement and the Good Life. As such, it’s reserved for paid subscribers. Please upgrade to read this post and to receive chapters of my book as I write this summer. I’ll also invite you to upcoming webinars on topics that will help you raise the bar on your dreams, life, and work and get more meaningful, sustainable outcomes. If you’re a paid subscriber, welcome! Thank you for your support & engagement in our community. - JMM

When and how did you learn to achieve? Can you picture a moment when you first realized that you would get rewarded if you did something well? When and how did you learn to define success? Can you remember the first time you felt ‘successful’ by your definition?

High achievers are dynamic, ambitious, and successful people. They are motivated to achieve something important and gain gratification from success in demanding tasks. They have a special relationship with excellence.

My relationship with excellence goes way back; I’m guessing yours does, too.

I left home to go to university when I was not quite seventeen. Unlike most friends, I stopped going home for holidays and special occasions by my eighteenth birthday. I spent less than ten days at home ever again.

Many layers shaped my upbringing and influenced my ideas of achievement: immigrant and first-generation college mindsets, values, and work ethics; a bicultural life; and exposure to an elite, private education.

My mom was born in Cuba and emigrated to the US via Central and South America in high school; her parents both had PhDs. My father was born on a Pennsylvania farm and was the first in his family to go to college and earn an MBA. Like many couples who dated in college in the late ’60s, they married at twenty, just a few weeks after graduation. Education was revered. Discipline was revered. Hard work and high achievement–in all areas–were the expectation. Emotions were discouraged and not discussed.

As a teacher’s daughter, I had the opportunity to attend elite private schools for little to no cost from third grade (a tuition benefit).  As such, the steps of my life were laid out way before I ever considered them: I’d finish high school and attend a highly selective college and then get an acceptable (cue lawyer, doctor, professor, or other easily identified professional job),  well-respected and good-paying job, and, at some point, when I was not too young and not too old, get married and have children, and look good all the while. This was ‘the way’ I was raised, 

The values at home and school conveyed clear but conflicting messages. At school, I was taught to think for myself, examine many sides of an issue, and craft an argument. I was pushed to excel, work smarter, try out my many sides, and achieve remarkable results. School was almost an escape—if only my mom hadn’t taught there.