What If They’re Not Even Watching?
Why we keep shrinking for approval no one’s actually asking for.
The First Cut is Social
It happens early. You’re six, maybe seven, stepping onto the stage at the school assembly, or raising your hand a little too eagerly in class. And then: the laugh. The sideways glance. The flush of heat that teaches you something without words: visibility isn’t always safe.
That’s the moment FOPO (Fear of Other People’s Opinions) is born.
We don’t call it that, of course. We just learn to shrink ourselves a little. To become more palatable, less disruptive. It’s adaptive. It’s even smart, after all, we’re wired for belonging. Evolutionary biology tells us our nervous system treats exclusion like a threat to survival. In ancient tribes, exile meant death. Today, it means we stay quiet in the meeting, nod along, or delete our bold idea from the slide deck.
But the same protective instinct that once kept us alive now keeps us small. Not safe, small.
Modern Fear, Ancient Wiring
FOPO is sneaky. It shows up in job interviews and on dates. It whispers in group chats and during Zoom introductions.
I’ve been thinking about FOPO a lot this week, as I noticed it standing just off-camera while filming new content for TikTok. (Yep…TikTok. What I once considered the wild west of social media.)
Now, this wasn’t my first time putting myself out there online. But something felt different this time. Not wrong, just…edgy. Like I’d hit the outer wall of my comfort zone and could hear FOPO lurking nearby.
What struck me was how different the fear felt compared to years ago. Because when I first became an entrepreneur, FOPO was my roommate. I agonized over every word I wrote. I’d draft, delete, re-draft, or just not use what I wrote at all. “What would my former colleagues think?” I’d wonder. Would people think I was too much? Not enough?
The irony, of course, is that I was working harder to manage what people might think than to share what I believed. (Full disclosure: It’s part of the reason I almost burnt out for a second time.)
And therein lies the trap: FOPO doesn’t just drain your energy. It delays your Opus.
That’s not to say my fear is all gone; it’s not. It just shows up at a different altitude now—quieter, subtler. I feel it most at the edges of my expansion. But now I recognize it as a sign I’m growing, not regressing.
Because fear doesn’t vanish when you live your Opus; it just stops being the one in charge.
Fear in the Feed—and the Boardroom
A friend of mine shared something powerful on social media this week. His mentor asked him why he wasn’t posting about his start-up on Instagram, only TikTok (he sells products and needs as much visibility as possible). After a pause, he admitted, “I think I’m afraid of what people who know me will think.” His mentor countered with, “One day, your child might ask whether you followed your dreams. Don’t let your answer be: I didn’t, because I was afraid of what someone else might think.”
Touché. Regret and legacy are great motivators for leaning into our edge.
But let’s zoom out for a second. That same hesitation isn’t just about what we post online; it’s shaping how we show up everywhere.
Success Without Self
That same hesitation, which is our fear of judgment, is shaping more than just our social media presence. It’s shaping our lives.
Many of us—especially high achievers—are driven by the need for approval. We hit milestones we think we want, but when we get there, it doesn’t feel like us. We edit our voices until eventually…they disappear. We accept demands in the workplace that we’d never tolerate in our personal lives, and turn that pressure inward until it feels normal. And we spend years building lives that look good from the outside, but don’t feel good on the inside.
Then we wrap it up in a package we call “success” because that’s what we were taught to chase. And breaking away…well, there’s FOPO standing in our way.
But here’s the twist: most of the time, people aren’t paying nearly as much attention as we think. That critical spotlight we imagine? It’s usually just our own. Psychologists call this the ‘spotlight effect’—the tendency to overestimate how much others notice or care about what we’re doing. Which means the judgment we fear most often comes from inside the house.
A Cultural Mirror Breaks the Spell
And it’s not just you. FOPO is cultural, systemic. It’s built into our metrics of beauty, success, and even credibility.
Just look at Pamela Anderson, who started showing up on red carpets this year—no glam squad, no makeup. At galas, in magazine spreads, with the cameras rolling. Her decision, as she’s said, was about peace. But the ripple it caused? That was about power.
Because when a woman known for her image subverts the gaze entirely, it wakes something up in the rest of us. It reminds us how much of our lives we’ve lived on someone else’s terms.
Her act of defiance resonated so widely with women because it touched something primal. It wasn’t just about makeup; it was about the deep, internalized wiring that tells us, ‘You must be pleasing to be accepted.’
That’s what makes cultural acts of rebellion so powerful. They mirror back the quiet rules we’ve each internalized, and they rattle the cage.
Neuroscience backs this up—your brain literally processes social rejection in a manner similar to physical pain. A snub lands like a slap. No wonder so many of us continue to play it safe. Most of us grew up believing vulnerability invites rejection. In truth, it’s the birthplace of connection–to ourselves and to others.
However, we don’t create our best work from a place of safety. We create it from truth. From alignment. From the moment we stop asking, Will they approve? and start asking, Is this right for me?
That internal critic—the one scripting worst-case scenarios—is usually far louder than any external voice. Learning to recognize it, and gently challenge it, is one of the most powerful steps toward living your Opus.
Where Your Opus Begins
Because here’s what I’ve seen again and again—in myself, my clients, my friends on the edge of reinvention:
The moment you release the fear of being misunderstood…is the moment you become magnetic.
You attract the right people, the right path, the right energy.
That’s when your Opus begins, not as a declaration, but a quiet decision: To live from your truth, not their expectations.
To risk a raised eyebrow in service of a fuller life.
To say what you mean, even if your voice shakes.
To remember that your work is not a popularity contest; it’s a calling or a passion or something that interests you.
You don’t owe anyone your silence just to make them comfortable.
So post the thing. Start the business. Share your joy. Dance off-beat. Write the line that’s been sitting in your throat.
Not because everyone will love it. But because you do.
So, tell me: What will you create today?
Until next time, be well,
I’m Janine Mathó. Five years ago, after burning out and losing my mother suddenly, I stepped away from a global career in the learning sector. Since then, I’ve devoted my work to helping ambitious humans—founders, leaders, creatives—reclaim their energy, realign with what matters, and redefine success from the inside out.
This newsletter is how I reach others who are ready for their own reset. If something here resonates, I hope you’ll pass it on to someone else who might need it, too.
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