Put Yourself First

The clearest path from 'here' to 'there'

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Every morning for the past eight and a half years, I’ve taken my black labrador, Toby, for a long walk. It’s a ritual we both look forward to, and he waits patiently each morning until I’m ready to head out. 

A little over a week ago, a growth appeared on the pad of one of Toby’s paws, and he began to limp. As I waited for a vet appointment, I cut our morning walks in half and slowed them down to a comfortable pace for him until they became more of a sniffing stroll. 

After a few days, I realized that the joke I share with friends - that it is me who needs the morning walk and not Toby - is actually true. Normally relaxed in the mornings, I’ve been feeling antsy.

So today, when I set out for a morning sniff, I told my husband I’d need to start to take walks on my own until Toby’s paw healed. As if listening, Toby looked up at me with a sad, longing look, which he mastered when I first met him when he was just six weeks old, and my heart melted. I continued walking slowly as he sniffed. But my husband stopped me and said, ‘Why don’t you go ahead and walk, and I’ll slowly get Toby back to the house?’

As if the permission I needed was finally granted, I sped ahead without looking back and was gone for over an hour.

I returned home inspired by nature and filled with ideas for my business and clients, which I immediately jotted down in my journal, and full of energy, which fueled a great post-walk workout and a lunchtime cooking spree.

So, why have I shared this story with you?

Well, it’s the second week of 2024, and while the new year is still shiny, many people are busy discussing their goals or, if they’re trying to be on trend, sharing their ‘in’ or ‘out’ lists and their word for the year. 

Blech. Yes, you heard me: blech. 

In my experience as a coach, most of this noise will quickly dissipate when people’s goals or word of the year get run over by the reality of their lives. 

That’s because one of the most challenging struggles I see across my coaching clients (and some of my friends, if I’m honest, and they’ll know I’m talking about them when they read this) is people’s inability to put themselves first. And I’m not talking about being entirely selfish; I’m talking about staying in tune with your needs and meeting them.

I sympathize with folks suffering from this challenge because it’s also plagued me at different times. But now that I’ve (mostly) overcome this struggle, I believe that learning to put your needs first is a fundamental skill that’s more important today than ever.

(Clearly, with Toby, who is my last ‘child’ at home, I still succumb to this challenge as I set aside my own need for a walk in favor of caring for his needs when, really, I didn’t have to choose one or the other at all.)

You see, when you repeatedly fail to put yourself first, you slowly lose touch with yourself. You forget your needs and preferences, why you have them, how much better you feel when they’re met, and what it takes to fulfil them. Research tells us that if you no longer understand your needs and what you need to feel well-cared for, you won’t be able to care for others well.

I think we have a global epidemic on our hands here. Most people struggle to put themselves first. This means most people are struggling to care for others and serve them well.

We've got to change that in order for us as a society to achieve the big changes that most of us want to see at work, in our communities, and with our planet.

So, learning to put your needs first is good for you, the people around you, and our wider society. In other words, that ‘put your oxygen mask on first’ announcement they share during flight safety routines is actually true!

Are you feeling a wider sense of responsibility and rationale for putting yourself first? Yes!

The good news is that everything you want - including those 2024 goals and word of the year - is within your grasp if you can stop serving others long enough to serve yourself. And by serving others, I mean:

• putting your client’s needs ahead of your own needs, preferences, or even dreams;

• allowing workplace demands-critical projects, special requests from your boss, extra time in the office - to be more important than your own well-being; 

• enabling family caring responsibilities or needs to take over your energy and leave you too drained to care for yourself; and

• letting partners, friends, family members, and other people in your life demand more of you than you truly can or should be giving.

As I said, I’m quite familiar (actually, intimately familiar) with this problem, and I’ve done everything on the list above. This is why I understand the toll that not putting yourself first actually takes on you as an individual, from resentment, frustration, or flat-out anger at yourself (and others) to missed opportunities and harder-to-recover-from-falls, like burnout.

We could dive into why it’s so damn hard to put yourself first, but that’s another article (and it might also lead you to give yourself more excuses)!

The more important matter at hand is why it is important for you to put yourself first now. And then, how do you do it?

So, as you walk into this new year with a fresh 355 days ahead of you, here are three BIG reasons why 2024 should be your year of putting yourself first or, as I say to my clients, becoming your most important client:

• Only you can create a future that’s right for you.

• You can’t author your future without tapping into yourself.

• Sidestepping your needs means shortchanging your life.

Only you can create a future that’s right for you.

External forces are strong; many people spend chunks of their lives adhering to someone else’s narrative and vision for their lives–parents, siblings, professors, bosses etc. As I wrote about in this article, for me, it’s the difference between living the dream and living your dream. 

The truth is that only you have the power to create a future that’s just right for you. One that is built on your unique needs, preferences, skills and talents, and deepest desires.  No one else is you or truly like you, and no one else’s opinion of your life or future truly matters.

This is also true for your career and professional reputation and profile…you are the best lever to create the career reputation or profile you want.

People who don’t take time to step in and design their lives often find out later that they’ve chased a future they thought they wanted, only to arrive there and not want it at all. Or worse, they stay stuck where they are because the life they’re leading or their vision for their future isn’t actually aligned with their fundamental needs or self (and it’s hard to make a change if you’re disconnected from yourself).

My experience was that continuously giving in to family and work demands (which I readily agreed to!) resulted in not living a created life, something I only understood after I changed my life dramatically and started living a created life.

So, to achieve the life and future you want, you’ve first got to own the fact that you’re the composer and the conductor. You design the life you want, and you live it.  Of course, shit happens, but the big picture is usually in your hands...and it’s never too late to begin again. (After all, reimagining life and work is the whole point of this place!)

Then, you’ve got to get to know yourself…

You can’t author your future without tapping into yourself.

Figuring out what you want in life or from your career is an exercise unto itself. You’ve got to develop a deep understanding of your unique needs, preferences, and deepest desires. The best way to do this is to have regular times each day, week, and month to tap into yourself. (And, if needed, get support from a coach or other firm but neutral party.) 

Set aside time to step into your own bubble (I love this part of my day), quiet the outside voices and external demands and influences, and go inward. Some people achieve this through journaling or active meditation, others take a more physical approach, like running or swimming, and others might lie still; find what works for you. For me, it’s time in nature, walking, journaling, passive and active meditation, and yoga.

In any case, it means first setting a standing appointment with yourself and then adopting a practice which can support you in tapping in.  You might appreciate this article I wrote about how to tune in to tap in.

The best thing about tapping in…each experience will bring you closer and closer to your true needs or desires, quieting what other people think you should do and leaving you refreshed and better able to care for and serve others at home and work. 

Sidestepping your needs means shortchanging your life and career.

The research on people pleasing is clear: people who consistently put the needs of others ahead of their own needs suffer in many ways. Every time you say yes when you really mean no, external forces become stronger than you. And the more that external forces steer your behavior, the more disconnected from yourself you become.

You may not think of yourself as a people pleaser; I didn’t realize I had any people-pleasing tendencies until I listened recently to this outstanding Mel Robbins interview with Dr. Neha Sangwan.

Dr. Sangwan explores the link between people-pleasing and physical and mental health, and it turns out that your inability to say no to others can make you physically ill. From a mental health perspective, it causes you to “lose an anchor” in yourself, thereby forfeiting your grounding and agency and weakening your ability to make clear decisions.

From a business and career angle, what I see in my practice (and have learned from personal experience) is that clients who neglect their long-term needs and goals in favor of supporting those of their clients or employers usually lose sight of what they really want to get from their careers or businesses. Getting back on track requires behaviour changes—putting themselves first and learning what works for them to tap in and tune in to themselves, to name a few.

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So, with the new year ahead, before you dive into goals or get overly busy, pause if you have to - for a few minutes each day or a few hours each week - and get back in touch with yourself.

Tap into your innermost desires and dreams, the big ones you don’t say out loud yet or maybe think are out of reach. And your needs, preferences and even your fears, if that’s helpful.  Write them down. Post them somewhere you can see them every day (bathroom mirror, fridge, journal…).  

Then, use those desires, needs and preferences as a filter for every ‘yes’ or ‘no’ you give to others and the decisions you make daily. I started to do this in earnest six months ago, and the result is outstanding (I share a bit about this in my article, Do Less to Do More).

Ask yourself, 

• Does this action or decision I’m taking respect my needs and preferences? 

• Does it move me closer to my dreams?

• What might I start doing to move my life closer to these visions I have for myself?

• What might I need to stop doing?

Succeeding in this chaotic modern world, especially if you want to bring about a positive impact, means beginning at home, with yourself. 

Understanding yourself and what that means for your role in bringing about the change you want to see in the world. Remember, putting yourself first is healthy for you, the people you care about or work with, and our wider society.